Well, Now I'm Just Insulted
by CrisisChild
Summary: Odd little shorts based on the encounter lines spoken in Dissidia. Lots of 'taken out of context' crack. 'Because he often got a lot of complaints from the other Warriors of Cosmos about it and thought about having a reduction surgery for the light...'
1. I Hate Guys Like You the Most

**Title:** Well, Now I'm Just Insulted

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** Odd little shorts based on the character specific encounter lines spoken in Dissidia. Lots of 'taken out of context' crack. 'Because he often got a lot of complaint from the other Warriors of Cosmos about it and thought about having a reduction surgery for the light that shone from his very being.'

**Rated:** T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that has to do with Dissidia. At all. Except the disk. And the packaging that came with it. That's it.

**Author's Note:** Because this begged to be done eventually. And because I enjoy mocking people I hold dear. This also includes the men and women of Dissidia. 144 prompts. All actual dialogue from Dissidia Final Fantasy.

**"I hate guys like you the most."**

The Warrior of Light had only come up against the Harlequin a few times before and every single time, Kefka just got more annoying. Was it any wonder that nearly everyone on Chaos' side barely tolerated his presence? Still, guys like him? What did he mean by that? Was it the shine? Because he often got a lot of complaint from the other Warriors of Cosmos about it and thought about having a reduction surgery for the light that shone from his very being. His inner light was unbearably bright and his armour – polished to a shine and without even a hint of a scratch despite what must have been over a million battles thus far – really didn't help matters. More than once he blinded his allies in battle, causing them to trip on their own feet and impaling themselves on their own weapons (or shooting themselves in the face, depending on their armament of choice).

The Warrior of Light would hate himself, too, if he died because he didn't have the sense to tone it down.

Thinking of things like that, he felt a little depressed. And a little mad. Kefka never knew what hit him;as far as the Warrior of Light knew he never did like clowns.


	2. Eeew, Aren't You Hot?

**Title:** Well, Now I'm Just Insulted

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** Odd little shorts based on the character specific encounter lines spoken in Dissidia. Lots of 'taken out of context' crack. 'Because he often got a lot of complaint from the other Warriors of Cosmos about it and thought about having a reduction surgery for the light that shone from his very being.'

**Rated:** T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that has to do with Dissidia. At all. Except the disk. And the packaging that came with it. That's it.

**"Eeeew. Aren't you hot?"**

Firion was a bit confused here. They were somewhere that many called the surface of the moon, where the winds were unforgiving and the temperature was always low. In fact, the young man was definitely sure that he wasn't hot at all. He was also pretty sure that if he didn't take out the harlequin soon he'd freeze out there if he didn't get to Order's Sanctuary as fast as possible and warm his chilled bones.

It was probably a jab at the fact that the man most likely didn't even feel the cold, compared to him. Kefka looked at ease and even slapped his bum in front of him in a mocking gesture. Seeing it wiggling in front of his face, Firion growled and felt his blood heat up. Well, this was certainly one way to warm up.

So, without further ado, Firion proceeded to give Kefka the fastest beat down in the history of the war between Chaos and Cosmos.

It was probably for the best. Poor Firion's delicate sensibilities would have knocked the rebel out if he knew that the insipid clown was talking about how attractive he was.


	3. Would It Kill You To Smile Sometimes?

**Title:** Well, Now I'm Just Insulted

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** Odd little shorts based on the character specific encounter lines spoken in Dissidia. Lots of 'taken out of context' crack. 'Because he often got a lot of complaint from the other Warriors of Cosmos about it and thought about having a reduction surgery for the light that shone from his very being.'

**Rated:** T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that has to do with Dissidia. At all. Except the disk. And the packaging that came with it. That's it.

"**Would it kill you to smile sometimes?"**

Bartz and Zidane often pointed out that Squall did not smile much. More than not, the gunblade user pointed out that there wasn't much to smile about, which often prompted a double retort of 'then that means there's still _something_ to smile' about. Whoever taught those two how to use logic deserved to be shot, _repeatedly_, because neither of his comrades in arms refused to drop the subject in the time that he was accompanied by them while patrolling the World.

He _did_ smile, Squall thought savagely one day when he had finally gotten rid of the Troublesome Twosome, just not when they were around.

Squall frowned heavily then, pausing in his current train of thought to try and recall when was the last time he smiled? Definitely not since he became 'friends' with Bartz and Zidane. Ugh, they gave him a headache sometimes. What did it matter if he smiled or not?

Deciding that he would prove that he could smile, Squall set out on his personal mission. He was going to prove them _wrong_.

However, he did not feel comfortable enough amongst his fellow Warriors of Cosmos enough to begin his mission there. He needed practice…practice against those who did not care whether or not he smiled at them. The Manikins? No, he needed some kind of reaction. And thus, against all kinds of common sense, Squall went in search of the Warriors of Chaos.

The first one he came across was Kefka, the giggling harlequin who everybody just loved to hate (and bash against walls as many times as humanly possible). The man called him a poser and wiggled his butt, slapping it in front of his face tauntingly. Everything in Squall called for him to send the clown flying with Fated Circle, rage at him, but no…no…he needed to stick to the plan!

And so, instead of yelling at him or giving a witty remark, Squall _smiled_.

Now one must take into consideration that there are some things that should just not be done, lest the fabric of time and space would unravel so much that not even Ultimecia would be able to compress the mess that follows universe ending scenarios. One of them is Cloud's hair not being spiky. Another is Kuja not wearing what most men would consider to be a thong. And a rather important point is that Squall should _never_ smile. The expression that came from Squall's smiling face was akin to a train wreck that one cannot help, but keep watching, despite the obvious tragedy happening in front of them.

And Kefka was being subjected to this cosmic train wreck firsthand.

And he laughed. Laughed so long and hard that he ended up asphyxiating himself.

Squall stared at the dead clown, wondering what had just happened as he schooled his features into its usual scowl.

He kicked Kefka's unmoving side with the tip of his boot.

_I think I just killed a gay clown_, mused the young man.

He beat a hasty retreat back into Harmony's territory before someone discovered him _and _the corpse.

Squall never spoke of the Incident involving Kefka and his dangerous smile; he never bothered trying to smile again…unless he needed a fast way to kill someone. The urge to smile in front of Bartz and Zidane was very high and his lips often twitched without meaning to when they were around. They'd catch him at it and try to get him to smile for real, but he held back for everyone's sake.

"Come on, Squall! Would it really kill you smile sometimes?" whined Bartz, poking the other brunet's cheek with a finger.

"No," Squall replied, at length. _But it certainly killed Kefka._


	4. Don't Rush Me, I'm Getting Ready

**Title:** Well, Now I'm Just Insulted

**Author:** CrisisChild

**Summary:** Odd little shorts based on the character specific encounter lines spoken in Dissidia. Lots of 'taken out of context' crack. 'Because he often got a lot of complaint from the other Warriors of Cosmos about it and thought about having a reduction surgery for the light that shone from his very being.'

**Rated:** T

**Disclaimer:** Do not own Dissidia. Nope. Not a thing.

"**Don't rush me, I'm getting ready."**

If there was anything that anyone disliked about Cloud was that he was sometimes...late. The man was rarely ever on time for anything and that often led to some tight spots. And the reason? Cloud often said it was because he needed to get ready! Ready for what? They could summon their weapons from hyperspace or hammerspace or wherever it was all the warriors of Cosmos kept their weapons. And armor? They were always waring armor! What in Cosmos' sweet name was taking the spiky-headed guy so long?

Well, Bartz, _detective extraordinaire_, was on the case!

Now, what could be causing Cloud to become so late that his irresponsible actions had led to the skewering of one of their female comrades to be killed in what Bartz referred to as a 'death from above' scenario and the terrible beating of another while she was sporting her new cowgirl duds? The adventurer had been doing his best impression of Edge (minus the flirty advances on any female he came across), shadowing the mercenary, hoping to catch him right during a battle.

And what luck! After tailing Cloud for a good hour on the Lunar Subterrane, spiky found himself a foe! And it was a mannikin of Bartz, himself! Wow, did he always look that good?

Bartz hid behind a boulder, keeping a careful eye on the events unfolding before his very eyes.

Cloud mumbled something – most likely what he usually said when he sparred with Bartz – before fishing into his pockets; it was something he hardly ever did in front of the other warriors of Cosmos. Bartz watched attentively. Now was the moment! Cloud pulled his hand out of his pocket – the mystery behind his tardiness was about to be solved!

It was...underwear? A...brasier? And...he was putting it _on_?

"What the hell, Cloud?" Bartz shouted, forgetting to use his inner monologue. His loud cry caught the attention of his mannikin and his friend, who turned to look at the real Bartz with a mortified expression.

"B-Bartz? Wha – you – what did you – it's not what you think!"

"You're wearing women's underwear!"

"It's the stats! For the stats, I swear!"

Meanwhile, the Bartz mannikin just there there, restless. And not a little confused. Wasn't it about to engage battle with that blond warrior? It waved its arms in order to regain its opponent's attention, however, the mercenary had taken off after Bartz, who had ran away as fast as his legs could take him to tell everyone else of his discovery. The mannikin was left behind, all alone in the cold subterrane.

A small, lonely wind blew.

It sniffled.

Meanwhile...

"Hey, Tifa! Guess what? Cloud wears a bra!"

"Baaaaartz!"


End file.
